The Blue Velvet Chaise

“When someone says "I Love You," it is imperative that you know if you are loved for "WHAT you are" or "WHO you are."
When the academic qualifications, professionals, positions, possessions, good look, fat bank accounts and all that has been acquired over the years are taken away, all that is left is "Who you are" - Your Personality (character, values, perceptions.)

"We are never truly loved, until we are loved for WHO and not WHAT we are”
~ Olaotan Fawehinmi

I remember my parents hugging close, while slowly swaying to some old song only they could hear, when I was very young.  I could feel their love then.  I wanted to be included so desperately that I tried to wiggle in between their legs.  What child wouldn't?

I've spent most of my life trying to understand what went wrong.  Rarely, if ever, does someone hold a gun to your head and force you to marry.  We all have free will so why do so many people end up divorced.  Is the grass really that much greener on the other side of the fence that it warrants hurting others to get to it?  It's never just about two people.  We are all connected. 

Happy childhood memories far outweigh the sad where my mother is concerned.  When she was present, life seemed like an adventure.  She expressed her artistc abilities then.  Our birthday parties were unique, whimsical affairs.  If a Party City-like store existed at the time, we couldn't afford it, so she came up with  creative work arounds.  I don't remember feeling embarrassed when my friends came over.  I think everyone was in the same boat.

Alot of the things I like to experience as an adult, that are a part of who I am as a person in fact,  I was exposed to as a child by my mother.  The Shakespeare Festival, Broadway musicals, museums and the Russian Tea Room to name just a very few.  There are colorful stories or crazy mishaps associated with each of our adventures.  Reading stands above all.  My mother is a voracious reader.  Even though she lives in another state now, I always picture her sitting in her blue velvet chaise in the corner of her bedroom in our family home, holding a book in her hands, as we talk on the phone.

When she was banished from her marital home, prior to her divorce, she gave me her chaise.  My father hated that piece of furniture with a passion that still seems ridiculously extreme to me.  Needless to say, I have held onto that chair, with white knuckled determination, for over thirty years.  Moving it from one apartment to another at considerable expense.

Recently, I've been on a cleaning tear.  I have this overwhelming sense that possessions take on the joy or negativity of their owners.  I don't want to live in a place surrounded by other peoples angst any longer.  I'm literally looking at and touching each item I find to ascertain how they make me feel.  It's amazing what memories and emotions are being stirred up.   Don't get me wrong, I have either collected or been given gifts that speak to my soul. They are staying!  The blue velvet chaise is gone!

I feel lighter and my home has plenty of room now for new art and funiture that actually reflects who I am and what I believe in.  The Universe has begun to bring new people into my life, now that I have made room for them.

Even Fortune Cookies are Sending Me Messages

We won't discuss the fact that I have been working on my computer for most of the day, forgot to eat lunch and ended up devouring two fortune cookies for dinner.  That's not the point.  In some oddly magical, mysterious way, one of those cookies spoke to me.  "Spirit guides accompany you," it said ever so patiently.  I'm surprised it didn't hit me with something!

Are you paying attention to your messages?

Spontaneity

“Being spontaneous is being able to respond with confidence; calmly trusting that, whatever the outcome, you will have a positive if challenging experience that will lead to greater self-awareness and success.”
― Sylvia Clare, Trusting Your Intuition: Rediscover Your True Self to Achieve a Richer, More Rewarding Life

 

Up until this point I have been writing my blog posts in chronological order to try to  convey how the onset of my panic attacks has changed my life.  I want to describe who I've met and what I've learned along the way as I search for peace and happiness.

A funny thing happened yesterday on my way home from work.  I ran a few errands and decided to take a longer, scenic route back to my apartment.  I was in a carefree place listening to music and looking at the beautiful landscaping along the back roads.

As I approached the traffic light at Route 10, I had a brief thought that it might be fun to go to the "big" Barnes and Noble about 20 minutes away.  I talked myself out of it saying I really shouldn't buy any new books or magazines.  The strange thing was my head said no but my body turned the car toward the bookstore.  Once I was headed east, it seemed too much trouble to find and make a u-turn.

I love bookstores.  I completely lose track of time when I'm in one and I have been known to close a store from time to time.  I ended up picking out three books and two magazines last night. What really blew me away was the fact that as I sat in my car reviewing my purchases, like a little kid on Christmas morning, I didn't chastise myself.  Rather, I embraced my choices as my mind came up with new ideas for future posts.  Wow!  That was the first time in a really long time that I actually felt creative.  Like I could express my thoughts and feelings.  That someone might actually be moved by the words I chose.  It's both thrilling and frightening.  Yesterday was definitely a blissful day for me!  

 

Magazines I Enjoy Reading

• Reike News Magazine
• O The Oprah Magazine
• Shambhala  Sun
• Light of Consciousness Journal of Spiritual Awakening
• Romantic Homes
• Yoga Journal

The list goes on....

 

What are you reading?

Community Acupuncture

"The theory behind acupuncture in Traditional Chinese Medicine involves, in part, the regular flow of energy in the body. Various points on the body (acupuncture points) are connected by pathways, termed meridians. Traditional practitioners believe these meridians conduct energy, or qi, between the surface of the body and internal organs. Blockage of this energy may result in illness or disease. Acupuncture is said to unblock the meridians, allowing the energy to flow properly.".

"Studies show that acupuncture can relieve physical problems associated with tension, stress and other emotional conditions (such as depression)."

 

www.healthywomen.org

 

 

 

"Community Acupuncture means that you will receive your treatment in a large, quiet, comfortable room; you will be sitting in a recliner, or lying on a yoga mat with props; you do not need to disrobe, you just need to roll your sleeves up to your elbows and your pants up to your knees; you and your acupuncturist will speak briefly in whispers before you get treated; you can stay as long as you want; and last but not least, there will be other people getting treated at the same time, in the same room, in the same way. Community acupuncture makes it easy for people to get treatments whenever they want, to be treated with their families and friends, to feel comfortable rather than isolated, and to create together a collective energetic field, which makes the individual treatments more powerful and clinically effective."


"Acupuncture is most successful at treating ailments (both acute and chronic) when performed consistently. Community Acupuncture works on a sliding scale per treatment which makes it possible to come in for acupuncture frequently enough and regularly enough to really feel better."

www.nirvanawellnessnj.com/community-acupuncture

  

I was initially introduced to Terri and community acupuncture by Madeline when they worked together at Growing with the Seasons.  I'm grateful that I was able to work with both women at the same time as I believe both experiences complimented each other and helped to prepare me for the changes that were about to happen in my life.

One acupuncture session in particular will always stand out for me.  I had taken off my shoes and, as silently as I could, made my way over to an available recliner to await my turn.  Terri came over to me once she was free and quietly asked how I was feeling.  Based on my answers to her questions, she placed the acupuncture needles.

I want to state for the record that I always felt good after an acupuncture session.  The only mildly unpleasant feeling I ever had up to this point was stomach spasms when Terri placed and moved  the needles.  I have since come to believe that I have a solar plexus chakra imbalance brought on by way too much stress in my life.  My stomach spasms when I have any kind of energy work as my body attempts to release negativity

That evening, after Terri removed the needles, I had a headache but didn't think much about it as I got up to leave.  I'm not sure if she sensed something was off but when she asked I mentioned that my head hurt.  She told me to sit back down as acupuncture was suppose to make you feel better.  She put new needles in to help.  When she checked back with me I began to shake and have chills.  Oh my God!  I realized that I was having a panic attack in front of another person.  I have never been the type to make a fuss.  I loath drawing attention to myself.  I was mortified. Terri put an essential oil on the soles of my feet and held them until the shaking stopped.  I knew next to nothing about Reike at the time so I didn't ask if she had been attuned.  All I remember is the feeling of calming warmth, radiating up from my feet, grounding me, and causing the panic to subside. 

The reason I will always remember this experience is that it was one of the first times that I felt truly seen and believed.  Members of my family didn't take my panic attacks seriously or implied that I could just snap my fingers and never have one again. It doesn't work that way!  

Being seen and heard by others is so powerful.  Its OK to be noticed.  You don't have to fade into the woodwork for fear of offending someone because you may actually have an opinion that differs from theirs.  I try now to always look directly at and make eye contact with each person I speak with.  I've always been shy and self-conscious so its not easy but I'm working on it.

 

Have you tried acupunture?  Do you feel seen and heard?  How or what would you change? 

 

 

The Thirteenth Tale

I started taking college classes again in the fall of 2006 after a twenty-five year hiatus.  I decided to take English Comp I again because I was afraid I wouldn’t remember basic sentence structure and grammar rules.  Professor B., a German punk band loving former attorney, announced as she was going over her syllabus, that we would be writing a lot during the semester.  She had no intention of wasting time reviewing High School English.  Oh crap!  I thought I was doomed.

I wrote like a crazy person.  I was never satisfied with what I put down on paper so I constantly tweaked and rewrote, over and over.  To my utter amazement she gave me A’s.  That woman had a red pen and wasn’t afraid to use it so I suppose she saw potential or something.  I still have issues with comma placement among other things but I gained so much self-confidence in her class.  Thank you, Professor B.

 

                                                     

                                                  The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield   

     “How long did I sit on the stairs after reading the letter? I don’t know. For I was spellbound. There is something about words. In expert hands, manipulated deftly, they take you prisoner. Wind themselves around your limbs like spider silk, and when you are so enthralled you cannot move, they pierce your skin, enter your blood, numb your thoughts. Inside you they work their magic. When I at last woke up to myself, I could only guess what had been going on in the darkness of my unconsciousness. What had the letter done to me?”

     The Thirteenth Tale is the story of Margaret Lea, a biographer of nineteenth century obscure literary figures. She lives and works in her father’s antiquarian bookshop and spends six hours a day reading her beloved books. She is haunted by a family secret that she discovered as a child but refuses to speak of.

     Margaret’s life changes quite dramatically when she receives a letter from Vida Winter, “England’s best-loved writer; our century’s Dickens; the world’s most famous living author; and so on.” Miss Winter had published fifty-six books in fifty-six years, including the now legendary Thirteen Tales of Change and Desperation, which, in fact, only contained twelve tales. Twenty-two biographers had tried and failed to write Miss Winter’s life story over the years. Now she was requesting that Margaret come to stay with her for the purpose of writing the “truth” about her life. Miss Winter had spent the last seventy-six years telling stories, none of which resembled the actual truth.

     Margaret is not convinced that Miss Winter is capable of telling the truth and declines her offer. As she begins to walk out of the Victorian library she is frozen in place as Miss Winter utters the word twin. Thus begins the ghostly tale of the Angelfields.

     This is a story about Charlie Angelfield and his obsessive love for his sister, Isabelle. We are introduced to Isabelle’s out of control red hair, green-eyed, twin daughters Adeline and Emmeline and Missus and John the Dig who care for them. We are told about Hester, the governess and Dr. Maudsley’s cruel separation of the twins for an experiment. We learn about the mystery of the gentle giant Aurelius and the ghostly woman in white. While relating the tale, Miss Winter finally tells the complete truth about her life at Angelfield.

     The Thirteenth Tale was written for the avid book lover. You don’t want to put it down and find yourself reading sentences over and over again because they are just so beautiful and haunting. You can’t wait to find out how it all ends but don’t want to leave these characters behind when it does. This is definitely a book worth reading more than once.   

Reviewed by Leslie Treloar

Groweesha

Why are there so many songs about rainbows  And what's on the other side  Rainbows are visions  But only illusions  And rainbows have nothing to hide
So we've been told   And some choose to believe it  I know they're wrong, wait and see  Some day we'll find it  The rainbow connection  The lovers, the dreamers, and me~ Muppets Rainbow Connection
 

 

I don't remember now exactly how I stumbled on Madeline's website other than to credit fate.  I was exhausted, overwhelmed and knew I needed the perspective of a professional.  Unfortunately, I had tried therapy before .  It hadn't been a pleasant experience for me.  The therapist apparently benefited much more from our sessions than I did.

It was a rainy, numbing January evening.  I had grabbed the first parking space I could  get, leaving a bit of a hike to 811 Main Street.  I had a vague idea where the building might be but wasn't 100% sure.  I periodically looked out from under my umbrella as I walked, to get my bearings.  Then I saw what had to be Growing with the Seasons. The second floor windows actually glowed a warm, inviting, bright yellow.  My nervousness began to ebb.

I couldn't possibly begin to describe Madeline accurately.  Suffice it to say that she's real and lives her truth.  She served me herbal tea that she brewed herself.  I thought that kind of behavior was frowned upon in such situations. She definitely marches to the beat of her own drummer in the best possible way.  I will be forever grateful that I met her when I did.  She helped me get unstuck.

I have absorbed other peoples emotions for as long as I can remember.  It gets dark and painful sometimes.  I knew this about myself.  I thought it was just a negative Pisces personality trait. I use to think some of the people around me were really just big fish in a mud puddle  I didn't realize that I was in that dark, murky water with them, gasping for breath.  Every time I denied my truth I went under a little deeper.  Madeline helped me to see this for myself.  Months later, in a different place, I would learn how to close down.

Each one of us is uniquely different, therefore, what helped me probably wouldn't have the same impact in someone else's life. The point I am trying to convey is think outside the box.  Own your truth.  Try not to allow other people to define who you are.  A combination of  acupuncture, deep conversation, herbal tea and kundalini yoga over a seven month period helped me to stop treading water and start swimming again.  I can breathe sweet, clean air now.

 

How about you?  Are you treading water or swimming toward your dreams?

 

In Memory of Megan

     On January 13, 2006, my goddaughter was killed in a tragic car accident.  She was only six years old.  I can’t begin to express how her loss has impacted my life.  She was an extraordinary, fun loving little girl, dancing around the living room one minute, quiet and introspective the next.  I can honestly say that she loved me unconditionally and my life lost its verve after she was gone.

     I knew she was special from the moment I first held her.  Friends and family had been convinced that my sister was having a boy.  It may sound selfish, but I really wanted to have a goddaughter to spoil.  I remember sitting in the waiting room trying to convince myself that I could actually have a great time watching football.  Needless to say, she had me wrapped around her tiny little finger at three hours old. 

     I knew instantly that we would get along famously since we were both water signs (Pisces and Cancer).  I am quite proud of the fact that her third word, after mama and dada, was bubble.  One of the things I miss the most is sitting on the floor next to the bathtub, playing Barbie with her.  As she got older, she would give me actual lines to say.  She would get very upset if I tried to adlib.  She was also more willing to tell me what was going on in her head when she was up to her chin in bubbles.

     She was very kind and empathetic.  She had this uncanny knack of being able to read people.  She would just blow me away with her questions.  It was as if she could see my inner most thoughts.  One night at dinner, my sister mentioned that she was feeling stressed.  Apparently, Megan had learned all about the subject from her Health teacher.  She proceeded to explain to my sister that stress was not good for her and that it would help to talk about what was bothering her.  She then recited her telephone number and advised her mother to give her a call anytime.  We were all stunned.

Panic Attacks 101

According to the Mayo Clinic, "Panic attacks typically begin suddenly, without warning. They can strike at almost any time — when you're driving the car, at the mall, sound asleep or in the middle of a business meeting. Panic attacks have many variations, but symptoms usually peak within 10 minutes. You may feel fatigued and worn out after a panic attack subsides."  This was almost all true for me except for the fact that they lasted a heck of a lot longer than 10 minutes.

Panic attacks typically include a few or many of these symptoms:

• Sense of impending doom or danger-  I was terrified while driving back and forth to work for fear of losing control of my car and hurting someone.
• Fear of loss of control or death-  I barely slept for over six months because I was afraid I wouldn't wake up in the morning.
• Rapid heart rate-  Ended up in the ER three times thinking I was having a heart attack.  The symptoms escalating each time.
• Sweating- Yes
• Trembling- Yes
• Shortness of breath- Yes
• Hyperventilation- Yes
• Chills- Yes
• Hot flashes- Yes
• Nausea
• Abdominal cramping
• Chest pain-  I was given Nitroglycerin during my third ER visit which caused an adverse reaction.  I was sent to a room in their Cardiac wing.  When I heard the nurse direct the orderly to take me to room thirteen I knew everything would be alright.  My angel in heaven was watching over me.  It was the Cardiologist who recommended I try acupuncture.  She said I was too young to be in that room.  I wish I could tell her how much her advise helped me.
• Headache- Yes
• Dizziness
• Faintness
• Tightness in your throat
• Trouble swallowing

"One of the worst things about panic attacks is the intense fear that you'll have another one. You may fear having a panic attack so much that you avoid situations where they may occur. You may even feel unable to leave your home (agoraphobia) because no place feels safe."

I did not want the last three sentences above to be the only things I had to look forward to for the rest of my life.  I have worked very hard to deal with the panic and make it stop.  I am the happiest I have been in a very long time.  I'm also very hopeful for the future which is HUGH for me.  I can also say to anyone who is reading this and suffering from panic or anxiety that it really will get better.  Don't give up!  Investigate holistic modalities.  Try new things even if the thought terrifies you.  Confide in friends that you can trust.  It will all be worth it.      

 www.mayoclinic.com/health/panic-attacks

Stumbling Toward Aanandha

Aanandha:

1. Bliss pure and absolute.
2. The true nature of each individual

Next month is the third anniversary of my first panic attack.  It certainly won't be a joyous occasion; however, I'm quite proud of how much I have changed since that day.

I've been thinking about writing a blog for some time.  I am a triple Pisces, which means among other things, that I tend to soak up other people's emotions like a sponge.  I have learned in the last year the importance of releasing what no longer serves me. 

I hope through the process of writing down these events I can fully understand how I allowed mind numbing stress to gain complete control of my life.  I have also seen and experienced some amazing things along my path toward bliss. 

It's been months since I had my last attack.  I don't know if I will ever feel confident enough to say I'll never have one again.  I hope that day comes.  Helping another person deal with their own feelings of panic by reading this blog would be icing on the cake.  

 

A Few Things you Might Like to Know About Me

 

• I'm allergic to coffee
• I reluctantly said goodbye to fifty in March
• I love my niece with all my heart
• I love her sister, my angel in heaven, beyond words
• I really like quotes so you will see a lot of them throughout these posts
• My love of reading saved me
• Butterflies will also be showing up as well
• I could stand to lose more than a few pounds
• I believe in angels
• I see colors when I meditate
• Irises are my favorite flower
• My friends mean the world to me
• I am no longer superstitious about the number thirteen